The things we do for sleep

I remember preparing the baby room for my second child. The design plan was one of persuasion: attempt to make the nursery a haven for rest, a place my tired baby will beg to be taken. The techniques: one loud, humming floor fan for background noise, and one heavy, dark curtain to block out the sun. My game plan: convince the child that regardless of the time of day, when we enter the bedroom, it is time to sleep.

For a while the baby was an excellent sleeper, but literally overnight he decided that sleep was over rated. This is the point at which I discovered that my perfect haven for rest was missing two very important ingredients: night goggles and x-ray vision.

Midst all the baby-shower frenzy, I somehow overlooked these two important devices on the shelves of all the stores. In fact it never occurred to me that I would need such items at any point in my life—until I became a mom. But I soon learned that there’s nothing a mother won’t try when it is hours past her bedtime, days since she last ate, and at least a week since she’s been to the bathroom—and the kid still isn’t asleep. Yes, night goggles and x-ray vision were just the tools I needed for this job.

Any exhausted parent who has tried to put a reluctant sleeper to bed knows the dilemma that arises and the conversations that occur when you think the baby is asleep and you are ready to put him down. But what if he’s not?

“Ok, I’m ready. I think he’s out this time. Surely he’s asleep by now. I wish I could see his eyes to make sure. If only this bedroom wasn’t so dark. If only God would give me a sign. If only I had a pair of those night goggles...yes! Night goggles! Then I could see if his eyes are closed before I try to lay him down. Night goggles. Why didn’t I think of that before? I wonder if I can get some at Wal-Mart? --Wait a minute. His head is turned away from me. I couldn’t see his eyes even if I had some of those night goggle things. How am I gonna know for sure if he’s asleep or not?

X-ray vision! That’s it! After all these middle of the night feedings when I think he’s asleep, but it’s dark and his head is turned the other way so I’m not really sure...that’s what I need! I can feel his breathing--slow and steady. I can hear the rhythm of his thumb-sucking--slurp, slurp. I think he’s asleep, but let’s face it I’m not really thinking that clearly anyway, so just to make sure…X-ray vision! That’s it! Why didn’t I think of that before?”

Unfortunately, until those much needed mommy tools arrive in the mail, I’ll have to continue to use the two methods that have proven most effective for me: Hold and Release and Duck and Cover. (By the way, all moms have tried this at least once, whether they will admit to it or not.)

Through the eyes of an exhausted mother, the difficult task of getting a child to go to sleep and stay asleep (without the aid of the aforementioned amenities) might look something like this:

All systems are go. The kid is fed and dry, and all signs point toward a sleeping baby. I know the drill: hold and release. “I think I can…I think I can…I think I can…” I attempt to lay him down without waking him up. Slowly I stretch to my toes, and lift him up over the rail of the crib, keeping him tucked close to my body so he won’t discover my plan. Ever still slowly I lower him onto the sheets that I have tried to warm with a fresh towel out of the dryer to convince him he is still snuggled against my warm body. He squirms—I pause. He stills—I hold... hold…hold…and release. Aahh. Asleep at last. But wait!

Just as I turn to make my exit, I hear him rustle. Panic starts to creep in. “What… should…I…” Then, all the training I received (playing hide and seek as a kid) begins to kick in. In the form of the old “stop, drop, and roll” routine they used to teach us in grade school, I immediately duck onto the floor. Surely he can’t see me down here. But that kid is clever, so I stay put. After several minutes of holding my breath, I finally start to realize the absurdity of my situation, so I decide to make a break for it. But when I do my ankles crack and my knees pop and I hear the baby rustling again, so I retreat—to my own private fetal position on the floor of my infant baby’s bedroom. I scrounge for a stuffed animal and a baby blanket to create a makeshift cot and decide to wait it out like a man…I mean a mom.

And that’s All in a day’s work!