The Mom’s List

In case you have yet to notice, we are living in a world of lists. Open any year-end edition of any pop culture magazine or click on most any website on the Internet and you’ll find some kind of helpful-or completely useless-list to peruse. “10 Most Evil Disney Villains” “10 Failed McDonald’s Products” Or my personal favorite, “10 Survival Tips for People in Horror Flicks”.

It has become a money making industry, it seems, for folks to formulate their own “Top”. From Top Model to Top Chef to the literally dozens of lists compiled by ESPN’s Top Whatever-Sport-Happens-To-Be-In-Season. We can check out American Top 40 every hour of the day, thanks to satellite radio. Forbes is spending money to tell us the top 100 Celebrities making money, and they’ll even throw in the top earning dead celebrities if we’re willing to move our mouse.

We can find lists to teach us how to “talk text” with our teen. Lists to learn how to help our kids stop stuttering, and still others to tell us when we should be talking to our kids at all! But with this overload of useless listing that is pervading our web space, I’m yet to find a list that’s truly informative for the complicated, every-day tasks of parenting. So I decided to write my own.

I came to the decision to make The Mom’s List after an apparent lapse in judgment that occurred several months ago. Evidently, I decided it would be a good idea to take the boys to the skating rink. I suppose I thought it would be a fun, new experience for them. After all, I used to be a fairly decent roller skater. Surely I could handle them just fine.

But what I found after just a few short moments of adding wheels to the bottom of our shoes (which should have been my first clue) was that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe in life, there are certain things that we just shouldn’t do alone: Walking down a dark alley. Climbing Mt. Everest. Tandem skydiving. These seem so obvious, even to the faintly blond. But after our roller rink incident, I decided that maybe this mom needed a list. A list of the every day activities that any sane of mind parent might consider, but really should consider twice before tackling alone. Thus, “The Mom’s List” was born.

“The Mom’s List: Installment One”
Top five things a parent should never do alone
5. Take children roller skating
I’d say that’s been covered.

4. Take kids to the beach
First, we must clarify that the beach for us is the North Shore of Lake Altus-Lugert. Not so “beachy” as beaches go. But for a three and four year old, it does the trick. Let’s just say that if one were considering this as a fun outing, she might first realize that the journey from the car to the water is no day at the spa. From hot sand to red ants to “scratchy trees” and blowing cottonwood, getting to the beach itself with floaties, towels, children and treats is nothing short of a miracle. Having the energy to blow up the floaties, keep the sand off the Cheetos and explaining that we don’t pee where we eat is altogether another realm of the supernatural. Taking the kids to the beach: definitely a two-man job.

3. Promise to give them a spanking
This, I must clarify. In our house, we spank. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” and all that jazz. We take it to heart. But when the kids have no qualms about telling you that “your spankings don’t hurt”, the game plan, it seems, must change. I suddenly felt all alone in this spanking endeavor. My threats were idle. My spankings were wasted. My hand was sore. So, I decided I’d climb on board with the “Just wait till your Daddy get’s home” bit. But that didn’t quite seem fair to Dad, and let’s face it, I’m not quite ready to give over all my power just yet. So my best advice on giving spankings is this: Never give spankings alone. Always have with you your closest and most convincing friend, Dad’s leather belt.

2. Give them haircuts at home
Since the time of his youth, my husband has had haircuts at home. So when we got married, I just started giving him haircuts (and I use the term loosely). When the kids came, it just seemed logical that they too, would receive their haircuts at home. It probably needs mentioning here that I am in no way, shape or form a beautician. I have a comb and a pair of scissors. That’s it. So a haircut from Mom could take anywhere from 10 minutes to two hours. And that’s the truth. As you can imagine, “Sit still-Stop moving-Look straight ahead” are only a few of the phrases that I might utter in my distress. That is why haircut at home, at least at our home, should only be given if Dad is there too. He’ll sit and “take a haircut” so patiently that the boys are both begging to be next in line. There is of course one exception to this rule. If Dad is unavailable, the use of a straight jacket and a neck brace would probably suffice.

1. And the number one thing a parent should never do alone…(drum roll, please)…
Undertake the task of raising kids
I have found in my short span as a parent, that there are times when we just shouldn’t go it alone. Whether it’s my own kids’ Dad or someone else’s dad, a grandparent, a friend or a perfect stranger, sometimes a mom just needs an extra hand. From the helpful emails and notes of encouragement to the offers of trips to the park and kickball in the yard, when all a mom needs is 10 quiet minutes to clear her mind or a couple of hours to type her piece, those are the times when the kindness of others can make or break this job of being a mom.

And there you have it. The first official Top Five on “The Mom’s List“. After all, if “Craig” can do it…

And that’s All in a day’s work!