House of Payne

Mrs. Payne is a friend and former co-worker of mine with whom I frequently exchange e-mails. She and her husband have two boys, and she always has great stories to tell. So when I have one of those days when my kids are packing for the orphanage and I’m preparing for the nut house, I give a shout for Monica. She always has something reassuring to say and can almost always outwit me with tales of her two boys’ antics and other goings on from her crazy world.

When I first told her I would be writing a column, she was the first to scream, “DO IT!” She is a natural encourager, and she promised that if I ran out of things to write about she could supply me with tons of ideas from her own experiences raising two boys. Over the last eight months, she has done just that.

A born storyteller, I tried to encourage her to put her words to the pen, but she just laughed and said, “No, no I can’t write. I just vent. The kid stuff I can find humor in, but tell me, sister, WHEN, WHEN, WHEN will I find humor in raising a 38 year old MAN!” Well, that’s a topic for an entirely different column, but I asked for permission, and with her blessing, I would like to share some of her insights and experiences raising kids…from the House of Payne.

Monica on life with children: “Tara, you have to write about why it is a mom can beg for kisses and love from her sweet boys, but the first moment the phone rings all you-know-what breaks loose. Or just as you lean back to enjoy the warm bubbles, you hear banging on the doors. ‘MOMMMMMMYYY! You in there? Mom, he hit me!’ And when you finally get to bed after taking temperatures all night and rocking people to sleep, you can just smell fresh linen sheets, and you hear, ‘Mommy, I need a drink.’ And then the alarm goes off.”

Monica on “What I wanna be when I grow up”: “Eber (Ethan) is the big 3. And my Big-C (Caleb) is now 8 going on 38. He is so smart; he’s going to be a paleontologist and work at the Sam Noble Museum, and at night he is going to be a mad scientist for a lab somewhere. ‘And prolly work somewhere they make tacos,’ so he tells me. All I see for Ethan’s future right now is that either he is going to be a stripper, because I can’t keep clothes on him, or a burglar because I keep finding my stuff in his toy box.”

Monica on bathing: “Never tell your two year old his Big Bubba is in the tub if you don’t know that Daddy helped him out. Ethan checked on Caleb just as the tub was draining and couldn’t find him. He let out a hysterical, bloody cry when he thought that his brother had been sucked down the drain. Try sticking a 25 pound kid in the kitchen sink to bathe until he gets over his fear of the tub. I had to get in the tub with him to show him it was okay. Next thing I know I feel warmth on my back. Yeah, he was peeing on my back, but don’t worry. That wasn’t as gross as seeing the floater that went by me. Who says white girls can’t jump? White mommas can. AHHHHHH! Mommy doesn’t get in the tub anymore unless she’s alone.”

Monica on doctor visits: “Guess what my son just did to me in the Dr.’s office? The doctor was asking them what their favorite food is, what they like to drink etc…Ethan said juice, Caleb said water. Then Ethan said, ‘My mom likes beers. Yeah, she puts them on the chickens a lot.’ I wanted to fall out of my chair! We use beer a lot for marinade, and he has become fascinated with the fact that he isn’t allowed to drink it, and doesn’t understand why we cook with it. Caleb says, ‘Yeah, my mom tries to get us drunk at dinner every time my dad uses the grill.’ I didn’t even return Caleb to school today in fear they are sending DHS to the school as we speak! Dr. Fields was rolling and said, ‘Mom, don’t worry. I have heard it ALL now.’ Great, now I have to find a new pediatrician.”

I used to think raising two boys so close in age was difficult, but it seems to me that raising children at any age can be just as tricky. Just when you think you’ve made it past the hard stuff like nap times and night feedings, they start doing things like talking, arguing, and playing tricks on their parents. I’m glad her kids will go through adolescence before mine do. I’m hoping to learn a lot from her Payne!

And that’s All in a day’s work!