Happy Halloween

I heard a bit by Jerry Seinfeld last week that perfectly captured the spirit of Halloween- and both of our boys. It couldn’t have been any more accurate or true if the two of them had written it themselves. It captured the obsession our youngest has for anything sweet and the determination our eldest showed this Halloween for portraying a bonafied superhero.

It gave me a glimpse into what I’m sure will be an unforgettable decade of Halloween nights to come, and even brought back a few memories from my own childhood. I’m sure it will do the same for you.

Seinfeld on Halloween
“When you’re a kid, you can eat amazing amounts of food. All I ate when I was a kid was candy. Just candy, candy, candy, candy. In fact, the first 10 years of my life, the only really clear thought I had was: ‘Get Candy.’

‘Get Candy! Get Candy! Get Candy! Get Candy!’

Family, friends, school…they were just obstacles in the way of getting candy. So the first time I heard the concept of Halloween as a kid, my brain couldn’t even process the idea. I was like, ‘What is this? What did you say? Someone’s giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy? Someone we know is JUST GIVING OUT CANDY?!

‘I gotta be a part of this. Take me with you! I’ll do anything you want! (Seeing a white, folded sheet lying on the bed)…I can wear that! I’ll wear anything I have to wear. I’ll do anything I have to do to GET THAT CANDY.’

The first couple of years I made my own costumes. A ghost one year. A hobo the next. I knew my destiny was to someday get a real Superman costume from the store. You know the one. The cardboard box….the cellophane top…mask included in the set. Oh baby!

Remember the rubber band on the back of those masks? That was a quality item. Thinnest gray rubber in the world. It was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with. You would go to your first house. ‘Trick or…’ snap, it broke. I don’t believe it.

So the day finally came. I convinced my parents to buy me an official Superman Halloween store costume. I was physically ready. I was mentally prepared. And I actually believed that when I put the costume on, I would look exactly like the Superman I had come to know on television and in the movies. Unfortunately, these costumes were not exactly the “super fit” that I was looking for. I looked like I was wearing Superman’s pajamas. It was all loose and flowy. The neckline came down to about my stomach. I had that flimsy little ribbon-string in the back holding it all together. Plus my mom made me wear my winter coat over the whole thing anyway.

I don’t recall Superman wearing a jacket. I read every comic book. I do not remember ever once him flying with a coat on. Not like the one I had. Cheap corduroy. Phony fur.

So, we went out anyway. The mask kept breaking. The rubber band kept getting shorter because I needed to keep tying it. It kept getting tighter and tighter on my face. Then I couldn’t even see.

I was trying to breathe through that hole that gets all sweaty. ‘Whoosh! Whoosh!’ The mask kept slicing into my eyeballs. ‘I can’t breathe! I can’t see! But let’s keep going! We gotta get the candy!’

About half an hour through trick or treating I took that mask off. Forget it. ‘Bing-bong. Yeah, it’s me. Give me the candy. Yeah, I’m Superman. Look at the red pant legs.’

Year after year I never gave up on Halloween, but I remember those last years of trick or treating. I was getting a little old for it. Just going through the motions. ‘Bing-bong. Come on, lady, let’s go. Halloween, doorbells, candy…let’s pick it up in there.’

They’d come to the door, and they’d always ask you those same stupid questions, ‘What are YOU supposed to be?’

‘I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the Three Musketeers? I got 18 houses on this block sweetheart. You hit the bag; we hit the road. That’s how it works.’

Sometimes people would give you that little white bag, twisted on the top. You knew that was gonna be some crummy candy. No official Halloween markings on it? I don’t think so.

‘What is this? The orange marshmallow shaped like a big peanut? Do me a favor. You keep this one. Yeah, we’ve got all the doorstops we need, thank you very much. We’re going for name candy only this year.’

At the end of Halloween, I was able to fill a punch bowl so full of candy, the top of it was curved. It was like a planet! And I would consume the entire thing THAT NIGHT! The next morning, I’d wake up and feel fantastic!

And that’s when I realized…when you’re a kid, you don’t need a costume.

You are Superman!”

And that’s All in a day’s work!