If ever you have wondered how you get yourself covered in the messiness of life, chances are, your kids are to blame. I know mine are. There are some things in life that just don’t happen to you unless you have kids. And I’ve discovered that seeing double is twice the trouble, at least when it comes to little boys. Following is a mere week’s worth of items on a long list of antics showing just how it is a parent can be certain they’re raising boys.
You find yourself swimming in baseballs with a three year old shoving a green crayon in your face telling you to write “S-M-T-I-H” on every one of them.
The other half of your family rushes in the door from a trip to the dump, ecstatic to show you their discovery: ARMLOADS of HUGE dinosaur bones. Translation: skeletons from an entire family of dead cows.
You walk in the bathroom to find two sets of bare buns hovering around the same bowl and when you ask (ignorantly) what’s going on they say, “We’re doin’ a double!”
After a long talk about being responsible with their toys and taking care of their things, you find a handful of broken crayons hidden in the toe of daddy’s house shoe.
Helpful bathroom hints get lost in translation in the mind of a three year old, like this one: “When I sit to pee, Grandmother says my weenie has to touch the water.”
You notice a gradually increasing stench rising from the innards of your car. You chalk it up to a neighborhood with too many cats, but when you finally clean out the trunk three weeks after Easter you find two baskets full of fake green grass…and a half dozen eggs.
Give ‘em a bat, a ball, their dad, and a couple of kids from next door and their own backyard is the best place in the world to be.
Your oldest, a brave (but foolish) four year old, has no qualms telling you your spankings don’t hurt.
You are out of Kleenex, so you tell your child to use a piece of toilet paper out of the bathroom only to find, the next time you go to the restroom, that the used piece of toilet paper is still attached to the roll.
You somehow slip into a state of mind hovering somewhere between Super-human and Mommy-masochist when you decide to have a fun-filled afternoon of arts and crafts beginning…and ending…with a lesson on paper mache.
Every day begins with baseballs, gloves, and two little boys striking out the entire line-up of the Boston Dirty Sox, all in the middle of your living room.
To help you deal with the stress of spending 14-hour days alone with two little boys, you find you’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to Charm’s Blow Pops.
To keep your children from stealing abandoned shopping carts and filling their pockets with bubble gum in the grocery store checkout line, you’re willing to give them the last of your emergency stash of blow pops.
You can’t find your purse, so you decide to ask the kids for help, and the little guy just happens to know it’s in the back of his closet under pounds of shoes, clothes and toys. Probably scavenging for more blow pops.
Out of the blue one day it suddenly hits you that you should have invested in Spray ‘n Wash rather than starting a college fund.
If one were a fly on the wall of your home, one might hear comments from your children such as this:
“Mom, I’m hungry.” (after consuming exactly half a large pizza)
“Mom, I want gummy bears for breakfast.”
“I have practice today?! Awesome!”
“Mom, my weenie’s too big.”
If one were a fly on the wall of your home, one might hear comments from you such as this:
“Any game that involves pulling your pants down, is NOT a good idea.”
“Any game that involves putting random items into your pants is NOT a good idea.”
“Any competition that begins with ‘Come look in here’ as one is in the process of opening the front of his pants is NOT a good idea.”
“Boys! Why is there macaroni in the living room floor?!”
If you can empathize with three or more items from this list-or others just like them-chances are, you too are raising little boys.
And that’s All in a day’s work!
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